DARLINGS!

I have awaken from the dot.com/bomb.com sleep and have been inspired by someone who wrote me and asked me where the hell I've been. I can't mourn the death of YSL and Cyd Charisse forever!

Darlings: what do we think about The Hills moving to London with Daisy Lowe? Who? Exactly. But ain't she Gavin Rossdale's love child? That counts? And how about all of these relative unknowns for the Hills NY-sounds odd.What Hills, NY? SHort Hills? THat's New Jersey darlings and I am not going there!
Olivia Palermo fascinates me. A pretty girl.But a FAUX-Socialite. FAUX-sho-lite Yeah? Her dad is a loser or a thief or a liar and has no real blue blood money-her name ends in a vowel! Socialites names do not end in VOWEL people, COME ON! Its exciting because we haven't had a lying socialite since the Sykes sisters and thats been ages now! Another bunch of liars as Lucy always insisted she was Plum's Twin (Lucy looks about 49 and Plum about 35...hmmmmm.)
What else-oh yes. Then the girls have crazy made-up jobs on the new spin off. Things that make you go hmmmmmmm. One works at Bergdorfs? Now...why would they get involved with that? Seems odd or not. I like the chick who's name is Kamala her last name is Bernstein! GET INTO THAT, DARLINGS!
Why is everthing so friggin expensive? Everything i want? Thanks to God i do not have to motor in my cuchi cuchi heels to Manhattan because I would be able to afford GAS. I can't afford Chanel or GAS. That's pathetic. Well, where there's an undying will there's a way. I am absolutely clamoring for Gucci Fall, Chanel at any time and this GREY MINK Kors cardigan. isn't that divine and outrageous! OUTRAGEOUS!
good evening sweet darlings. I am setting up tivo now for Stylista on the CW. I wonder if Meena Garcia will hate the rug being pulled out from under her Louboutin feet...after all,she is moving to Lifetime and Murray Claire-and does anyone read that????
101idees or ideas?How about 5 good ones and I will leave it at that! Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiyyyyyyiiiiaaaaaaaaiiiiiii!

Buenos noches mon petite chou's!

-Charocuchicuchi

Eve...not Yves

Ah...dahlings...i have finally started to thaw out from winter's chill and can remove my rollers and let my long, fabulous hair hang down. I removed my cha cha slide heels and can walk out onto the street and start to wreak havoc.
I have stumbled on a potential problem at work. Someone is trying to steal the spotlight from the cuchi. Someone is trying to upstage the latin muse! Someone younger, someone who pretends often that she's a friend, fan...someone who secretly goes into meetings with Mein Heir editrix when I dont know about it and suddenly emerges with projects or things that should be relayed to the singer of love songs on flamenco guitar first. We'll call this modern day EVE, Doris.

I'm not sure if I should move the mariachi band out of dodge or push Doris down a flight of stairs and she's trying to do to me.
Horoscopes indicate it's Charocuchicuchi's time to shine but ai-yay-yi, all roads are leading in different directions. What to do ?Latin thunderbolt's always win against ice. Or does none of this matter at all? Should I be focusing on things more important like...yellow rice and black beans? Does it REALLY matter?

thoughts? Let it go? What to do?

Cuchi needs to go to bed. Sweet dreams.

Ah, my darlings! Whoever is responding to me...gracias! The Cuchi is appreciative.

Discuss:

RAMONA. What the fuck is up with that deranged chick? Where did they find HER? I have never quite seen a tirade like that before. What's the dealio with the husband? He can't stand her either. He's never home. She's really like the new Phyllis. Remember that show from the late 70's-spinoff from the Mary Tyler Moore show? But where Cloris Leachman was amazing, chic and FUNNY this one is sooooooooooooooooooo tacky. Completely vile (dancing shots?) and her whole tirade was completely off the hook and so wickedly FIERCE!
The Countess-does she think the Count is faithful after all this time? when he's not there...you know exactly where he is. She was so mean to her kid-he deserves to go medieval on that stupid house. He outed his sister last week, he's on the fast track.
Alex and the homo-what is up with those two? no one could give two shits when they arrived at Lincoln Center in their STRETCH LIMO-who orders those anymore? And what's this I hear about nude pictures of Alex surfacing? God. You know homo took the shots. They're so vile as well as and i hate to say it, petite Francoise who doesn't know what the fucking language he's suppose to answer his parents with. He's going to need some bodyguard protection at Lycee Francais because you know if Pax and Maddox Jolie-Pitt go back to school there, they will kick this kid's ass.
Which leads me to Bethenney. I have no idea where she got the spelling, why she's even on the show. She's not married. she seems to be the only one though that people in Manhattan seem to know. Her tortured and TIRED gay boyfriend with three kids got fired from his job because they didn't approve his appearing on the show? Are these people mindless? Did they not read the release? (No, they did not).
Which leaves Jill. kind of like her in a joy Behar kind of way.
Don't want it to end...they only ordered like 6 episodes. because there are only a five people watching. Oh well.

I would like to rant about my work conditions for a moment. i will give this a minute. I am so sick and tired of my boss completely going diva on my ass. It bugs the shit out of me. I love working there but she suddenly turned from simple and EASY to a complete, spoiled rotten...BORE. I expected more. And always get...less.

That's all I have. xoxo

Ramona, The Countess and the Lezzbot

Ok-my Cuchi's. Why can't I stop watching Real Housewives. My two blogging friends agree-hello, darlings. Bethanny-what's her dealio? What's with that Michael Jackson, circa "Leave me Alone" video nose? WHY is she on the show? She is dating a guy who not only could give a shit about her, I think his issue is he has dick on the brain! He wants a man! not some tired chef or dietician, whatever she is. I ask...why is she on the show? Bravo!... the visual I don't need my little chihuahua's seeing or hearing about are the few soon to be dried up, non fertile eggs Bethanny's uterus is carrying.

The Countess...who doesn't love her intentions and choreographer Cylone? Breakdancing is not going to solve his little problems, dear. Sorry. He has no presence, no style. The kid almost smashed into the railing on the staircase when he was popping. Does The Count give a shit about his kids? The talentless brother outing the sister at dinner was kinda precious and few. He obviously knows what goes on with those afterschool specials in her room.
Can Ramona shut the fuck up? Can she also dress appropriately because honey child, no amount of micro dermabrasion or botox is hiding that fact that she's an old, bitter, dried up stage mother. I was feeling sorry for Avery the daughter for a moment and then got over it when her stupid, loud mouth friend started rattling off how retarded and uncool her own mother was. She needs a slap across that face. Notice how the disco dance party wasn't filmed? one thing sacred. The other parents must think it's bad enough that Ramona attends the same school but to bring in a camera crew to a dance and film them-veto!

The hotel manager Homo and his really unattractive wife are beginning to make me think about going medieval on them both IF i see them on the streets. Gross. She needs to eat a meal and a spine and he needs to have sex with a man. Can we help this man? And make that a french speaking one. Nice gesture with the Love Boat crusie but why did all the people on the birthday boat look like they didn't even know her or care to be there?

Jill. Isnt she the best? the Joy Behar of the pack. She's so tacky, so repugnant, annoying. The thing is this...as i sit in my hacienda and smell olives on the vine...I think about my life...why oh why in the world would I want any of that? These women are so annoying and sad, what makes me long for anything they have? I'm not jealous, I'm not longing for what they have. Theyre all tremendously tacky.

THE HILLS!
Ok-why is Lauren so pathetic? Why is she in the same class as She Pratt? And why does Whitney have that weird thing going in her speech? "I'm going-k to miss you." Her g's have k's at the end of them. Whaa? Is she a dipshit for leaving Lisa Love without having the offer from cutrone? i know she's financed by poppa but puleeeze!
Can we get a new man for Heidi? Spencer is annoying, ugly and tired. Stale as bread.
Cutrone. Cu-torture!
Spin her off immediately.
Ah...cuchicuchi needs her beauty rest. Please continue to post and sing with me...buenos nochas, buenos nochas...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Ah...Charocuchicuchi is so sleepy...but before I set my hair in rollers I must awaken and DISCUSS The Hills! What a major event! The most important return to television EVER! Let's cut to the chase: this is like a star wars love story...

-Heidi Montag: almost completely unrecognizable! Go Heidi, get your nose done, Go Heidi...I am living for her stepfather who was having none of Spencer! (And Heidi, who may be the REAL star of this show-dropped her NEW single. Does everyone have to be a triple threat? ...I wasted three minutes of my life for that..and won't again...)

-Lauren:she is going to work for KELLY CUTRONE? KELLY COU-TORTURE? Is she smoking crack? Kelly ripped Lauren a new crevice last year...and she wants more? Oh Lauren, all the ladies from the Real Housewives of the OC are WAITING for you!!! Time to retire or work on a new expression, or eating because girlfriend is too thin...or work on your line...it needs it, babes. just being honest. Can't wait for Kelly to sit and watch Lauren at work. Who will cry first? She cried when she tried to do stitching on her Ferretti dress....

WAIT! CAN WE ALL STOP BREATHING AND REFLECT ON THE FOXY-MORONS ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES ON NYC? WHY IS
BETTHANY ON THIS SHOW? SHE AIN'T MARRIED AND THAT HOMO IS NOT MARRYING HER. SPEAKING OF HOMO'S-THE HOTEL MANAGER WHO SPEAKS IN OTHER LANGUAGES AND WEARS UGLY,BORROWED CAVALLI AND SAYS HE PLUNKS DOWN CASH FOR? THE KIDS NEED TO STAGE A MINI REVOLUTION AND TAKE OVER. TOO MANY TRANSPLANTS TOO. NO ONE IS A TRUE BLUE MANHATTANITE...COUNTESS!!!!!I CAN'T STOP!! BUT I MUST....

Back to The Hills: Whitney...poor, boring Whitney. Who cares except the nice people. Audrina missing but on the phone.

KIMBALL HASTINGS: so bitchy...and that bitch left to work VIP at Ralph Lauren Collection. Be nice to Whitney, boy...she's a designer now....and p.s. Why would you ever give that TVogue gig up? BECAUSE TEEN VOGUE PULLED THE PLUG ON THE HILLS SO BEE CAN RELAX AN RECLAIM HER BORING, PULSELESS THRONE WITH MAMA.

She-Pratt: kind of special. What's her dealio? What does she want? A fashion line at Kitson? YIkes.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....oohhhh....so much more but so little time, darlings.

Party on. We miss you VIEW FROM THE FOURTH ROW! Watch me milk it! Mooooooo!

Aiyayayayai!

-CUCHICUCHI

-

BITCHES!

Charocuchicuchi was off at a rehab with Dr. Drew and Phil taking a much needed break. It's been a while and I haven't posted a thing. I kind of worked thru my withdrawal with Chyna Doll and Jeff Conaway (God! What a waste! i lovvvvvved him-ai yay yai!) from View from The Fourth Row. My cell was quilted Chanel beige and while my guitar gently wept in the corner because I couldnt bring myself to play it....I realized it's time to snap the fuck out of it and deal.

A few questions I needed to throw out there...

Why does KCD treat me like shit? Really now. I just can't fucking stand it. The sneering...the tone...that air kiss that's not really meant to be planted anywhere near the cheek. This also goes for pr insulting and other shit houses located across the pond...

Why has Lauren abandoned Teen Vogue ( I say Bee and Co. were pissed that LC is becoming bigger than her internship and she couldnt stand it-"Mummy, fire the bitch!") and why is Whitney thinking about working for Kelly Cutrone?

Why is the promo for The Hills the most important and exciting 3 minutes on television?

Why does everyone call Nina-Meana-behind and infront of her back?

Where the hell was TT during all of this? She fell off the radar..

And why have totally heinous people suddenly resurfaced in top jobs????

I'm still detoxing...so if anyone can send me a note of love and answers to any of this shit, i would appreciate it!

Ciao Ciao!!!

-cuchi2

What a B*O*R*E!

I think my boobs SAG'd while I watched the SAG awards. Didn't they learn something about this strike? That maybe everything should maybe cool down for a few minutes, seasons and stop the spinning out of control. I sat at the TV with my lacy slip dress and my high teased hair waiting for a great red carpet. Oh boy-far from it. Hours and hours of nothing. Yards and yards of flat, matte fabric. Sequins. Tired bugle beads. Oy. The Love Boat episode with those croaked or fossils Halston, Beene and Bob Mackie was more exciting! (Well, what's not to love about that?..Come to think about it...I think I was on that episode! Ayiiiiayayyi!)

Ok-Angelina Jolie-definitely pregnant. The vintage Hermes dress was lovely but didn't JLO do that thing with the Cavalli dress? This story is as stale as old Wonderbread! We all know that the uber couple is waiting for cash from People or Ok! SUCKERS! People got the first pregnancy for nothing and now they're counting their pennies-will it pay off to be given to them which will then be given to their charity. Hmmmmm...

Debra Messing: kind of can't friggin stand her. Too precious for me. And apparently everyone hates her. Not pleasant to work with. Oh for chrissakes! Didn't she do a hair dye commercial singing Natural Woman? And then star in several bad Fox TV shows? Debra get over yourself!!! BUT i did love the Oscar De La Renta gown. And that crazy hair for the incoming rain was kind of clever. But she had that model puss on her-that mean Tyra look in her eyes. Like when Tyra use to model-she was soooooooo mean and angry walking the runway. she would freeze you!

Brittany Snow, Becki Newton,Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate (such a wholesome name for a wicked slut!)-they were all pretty but all the same look. The fun was listening to both Longoria and Snow mispronounce the names of the designers who lent or gave them $1400-$14,000 dresses! Idiots. Stupid is as stupid does. You have four things to remember. Dress, bag, jewels, shoes. Write it on the back of your diamante'd clutch...dumb cows!

Colored satin and silk dupioni on the others. Such a snooze...I'm falling asleep typing this.

Jane Krackheadowski? What the hell was that? Uglllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly! Bad color, bad arts and crafts and bad posture! God-get it together girls! Stick with Kors, sweetie. Sandra oh-no. What is happening here? Is she just an interesting actor on TV and a complete mess of a person. Who commissions someone from Koreatown to make a gown and try to call it COUTURE! It looked like something you put pots and pans on...use your words carefully, ladies! See? See how important these writers ARE???????????????????????????????????????

What else was annoying? Oh the whole damn exercise! Where were the casts of The Real Wives of the OC? I mean, don't you like that cast? Where were the Kardashian's and why didnt they get Doctor Phil to just come on and reconcile Heidi and LC from The Hills???? Throw in Kristin Calamari too! Or Lo with Justin Bobby?????? Where were all of these exciting people? These are the shows that people watch? You don't think that half that audience wasn't glued to the season finale of The Real Wives???? Beoootch-please! Don't the Real Wives all have their SAG cards??? Well, maybe not their union cards...but they're definitely all sagging and looking a lil haggard. Which brings me back to my saggy golden globes....these babies need a lift! Next show, papi chulo!

I will be very busy preparing myself and my marachaaaaaas for the special award show tomorrow night-The SAG awards. See you on the red carpet, cuchi cuchi coooooooooooooo!!!!


xoxo

Lusting for Louboutin's!

Ok-cha cha cha! If I were a shoe...this would be me! Can you get into this? Can't you kind of envision me...Charocuchicuchi sitting on a stool, singing songs of love and that shoe peeps out under my many ruffles?????? You know, hot mama is already bitter because there's some massive pre-order at Saks. God! It's hot!

I'm so mad that Oprah's wearing them now and that homewrecking, plagarist Jessica Sklar-feld presented Oprah with 20-ish pairs!?! Buying yourself an "in"? (I actually don't know why im ranting on her...I don't give a rats ass about her...but she annoys me somehow. Must be the way she got married to that theatre heir and one day after seeing Seinfeld she switches gears and is out of love with the theatre and in the arms of hmmmm the most important man in television...Starfucking poster girl! You kind of have to admire her...ish. Actually, not really.

It's funny how quickly it takes me to turn on people. I use to love love love certain people, press people, actors, celebs and now it's like I hiss and spit venom at the sound of their name. Naming names....HMMMMMMM...Kate Bosworth. What is with this loony? she seems really SAD. it 's like, lighten up=sweets. You act, you do ad campaigns...what's so bad? Can't find LOVE? Well, maybe if you smiled once in a while someone would call your skanky ass back. Liv Tyler?Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I can't fucking stand her ...so whiny. AND crossed eyed. Can't even look! That Tom Hanks music movie set me over the edge with her crossed eyes and stupid dialogue: "these lips don't deserve to be kissed by you"...or whatever the fuck. And then her dumb friend, Gwyneth. Oh god! Can't bare/bear her. Take your faux accent, bony ass back to England to your friend Madonna, fart (she was just hospitalized for gas!) yourself back. I don't want to hear your views on anything. Also-that apple kid-oy. an alien. Her eyes are so bizarre. God, i gotta stop.

No, wait...who else? Is there anyone more entertaining than these ho-bags of a brood-The Kardashian/Jenners? What a story. Makes me squint and tenses up my forehead trying to get all of them straight. Bruce was married to Linda Thompson, Brody Jenner's mom who was dating Elvis before he croaked. And then Bruce took up with Kris who was married to that OJ lawyer, who also croaked. (Lot's of dying in that family...maybe someone should send out a memo...) And then the girls and one boy are from both dads. Which all leads me to The Hills-which was View From The Fourth Row's epic. How much you wanna bet Bee Schaffer said to mummy Anna Wintour, poshly-get those girls off Teen Vogue, that's my baby and they're more known and important and prettier than me. MUMMY!!!! LC and whiny Whitney Port were upstaging Bee. Whatever Bee wants, mama gets. Bee's so ordinary. If you dropped her into a Maid to Order scenario in the mall of america and stripped her finer things, she would be like any other teen in the USA. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

That's enough. i didn't think that fuchsia patent shoe would take me this far...but it has and it did. God-I love me some Loubies!!!!

Foxymorons on 6th

I am so jazzed for fashion week to start I can feel the castinettes begin to tap on their own. I'm trying to decide on my look-fuchsia (again, always ruffled front bias cut Galliano gown), slutty heels (of course) and that flamenco guitar-i love it but a bitch when I need to pee in those ghetto stalls. And I always have to pee at Bryant Park. That goddamned Starbucks is no help at 42nd so it's either Starbucks at 41st and Bway OR pale and farty soups on 42nd. The Gap is good too but sometimes a 4pm you just cant walk that far. I need a stroller! Kind of like that red neck sports bar on 41st. I have all the cars park there during shows because I'm so tired fighting the nicoles, the ninas and the amys for my goddmaned four door.
I ordered a car too, bitches! Ah....The excitement! Love to hate. Smells fresh.

I just can't wait to study the new talent of Fall/Winter 2008/2009. Who is going to even try to take my seat? Who is going to sit with sunglasses on during a show-besides Anna. Who is going to be dressed head to toe in one designer (TT Always) and which new stylist on the scene is going to have his or her client with them or they or it and will give you that look when they almost want YOU to get up off your one inch square wooden chair and give up YOUR seat for...Teri Hatcher??????? GOD-some celebs may make it this time because they've been out of work and have made enough dental appointments and worn their baggy sweats...wait....why do they always say that? Doesn't anyone dress like a hot and horny whore, anymore? BAGGY, sweaty sweatpants. ummmmmmm, that's HOT. no wonder everyone is cheating in Holywood...they all look like fleecy potato sacks.I need to see at least both Trollsen's, someone connected to Nicole Richie and at least a Beyonce, Rihanna. What will I get? Kathy Griffin. Funny but I don't want her to be my token celeb thrill.

I can't wait to see how the Bazaar (Nicole, and the other one) crew think they're the most important and GB's looks, waiting for some Editor to yell at someone else on a cellphone like Atoosa Paloosa did a few embarrassing years ago when she was at Cosmo Girl! The new page six six six vixens try to scam and sulk their row position...i'd like to time how long Elizabeth Saltzman stands for before no one notices her and she finally sits because everyone is going more nuts over a newer, fresher Audrina. (Does La Liz EVER just sit and wait? NO). What else...oh, let's just see.

Ciao Bella!

So many bloggers and people are so upset and depressed over the demise of View From The Fourth Row.com. I'm with all y'all! Hi ya'll! I think I started this whole blogging charade based on the fact that this grand website existed and maybe I could do it too or at least be an accomplice, enabler, you name it. I couldn't show my face because I would've been drop-kicked up Times Square to Hearst and then back again...hair flying, stiletto's snapping, guitar broken...But I have, as Hillary Clinton has, found my voice.

Ah-so, adieu View.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD, PAPI!